Bring Me To Life (But Not Her)
by Constable Paperbag
Summary: Weiss wants Ruby to die so she can bang Jaune. Sorry, I'm not good at summaries.


**So, a while ago when I updated Exxxtra Credit, I made a joke in the AN's that requests were now open. Welp, seems like some folks didn't read the AN at the end of the chapter, because I actually got a request from a user who will be named anonymous for their own sake. They asked for a Jaune x Weiss x Ruby story.**

 **Wish granted, my friend.**

* * *

It was a fine day to be alive.

Weiss had never truly appreciated life until she was seconds away from death. Cinder's spear had done more than open up her liver. It had opened up her eyes to the beauty of living, and the endless possibilities that came from having a working heart in your chest. It was a brilliant feeling - nay, a _super_ brilliant feeling! This must have been how those dirty hippies felt on a daily basis. Suddenly, all that dreadlock garbage didn't seem so silly anymore.

And she never would have felt this way if it hadn't been for a certain blond saviour of hers. A certain blond saviour that she was currently sitting next to right now. His broad shoulders felt just right leaning against her little lady ones.

"And then I said, deez nuts!" Yang droned on in front of everyone. She was telling them all one of her stupid jokes. It made Jaune laugh though, so she laughed with him. Having a good sense of humour was paramount to being an efficient girlfriend.

Ever since Jaune saved her life, Weiss had been head-over-heels with the dashing boy. She could not live without him. Literally! If it wasn't for him, she'd be dead. He was her life support, and he sure as hell knew how to keep her heart beating. Were she a commoner, she'd take him behind a bus shelter and bang the yellow out of his hair right now!

But she was a lady of patience. She would reveal her love for him in time. Then he would be all hers. She was happy to wait. It's not like she had any other romantic rivals to compete against.

"Haha, wow, Yang! You're so funny!" Jaune laughed.

Weiss' fist clenched under the table. That degenerate sow! How dare she play to her husband-to-be's desires-!

She sucked in a deep breath. No, she had to control herself. The brawler was no threat to her. Yang was a bonafide gay through and through. No one could forget that time she screwed Ilia, then Kali, then Ilia again after the fight at Haven. She was getting paranoid. Jaune was just being polite by laughing.

"Haha, indeed, you are quite amusing, Yang," Weiss chuckled. "Jolly good show. Very humorous."

"Wow, Weiss," Jaune said. "I'm supercalifragilisticexpialidociou-surprised you found that funny. You normally hate Yang's jokes."

Weiss shrugged innocently. "Maybe I've just had a change of heart?" She batted her eyelashes and looked up at him with her gorgeous blue eyes. It wouldn't be long before he fell for her girlish charms.

"I guess you have." He suddenly looked away and a dark shadow cast across his face. "I wish I was as funny as Yang," he muttered in a depressed tone.

Poor boy. He was carrying such a heavy burden on his big, strong shoulders. But Weiss would make it better. She'd drag him away from his state of misery and show him a world of pleasure that only someone of her calibre could provide-

"Tee hee hee. Don't say that, Jaune. You're plenty funny," Ruby giggled.

Anger flashed in Weiss' eyes for a second before she regained her composure. Ruby Rose. Sweet little Ruby. She could hide behind that innocent facade all she wanted, but Weiss Schnee wasn't fooled! She wasn't blind to the fact the two had spent months on the road together. No doubt the girl had sneaked a peek at his perfect body and wanted him for herself.

Not on her watch! Ruby was a fool if she thought she could steal him away from her. Not that she felt threatened by the girl as a romantic rival. Her partner just needed to know her place.

She leaned in close to him and hugged his arm. "Tee hee hee. Ruby's right, Jaune. You always know how to make me laugh," she said with a giggle of her own. She made sure to shoot Ruby a quick glare. That's right, Ms Rose. A Schnee had entered the game. That already meant it was game over!

Ruby didn't seem to notice the look in her eyes and continued giggling like nothing was wrong. "Tee hee hee, what are you talking about, Weiss? You never laugh at Jaune's jokes."

Weiss' eye twitched. Bold move, _partner_. But that was the old Weiss. This was the new Weiss. And she didn't like other vixens preying on her man. "Tee hee hee, I've always found Jaune funny. I was just being stuffy before," she responded in an oh so lighthearted and friendly manner.

"Tee hee hee, you got that right. It's amazing how he was able to have a crush on you in the first place."

"Tee hee hee, well I'm a different person now. Everyone can see it."

"Tee hee hee, whatever you say, Weiss Queen."

"Tee hee hee, it's true!"

"Tee hee hee, I believe you."

"Tee hee hee, good!"

"Tee hee hee."

"Tee hee hee!"

"Tee hee hee."

"TEE! HEE! HEE!"

The two girls locked gazes with each other. At least, Weiss tried too. Ruby had her eyes closed and still had that sickeningly sweet smile on her face. She could play dumb all she wanted - it had been her natural state in Beacon - but Weiss knew all her tricks. This rose had thorns.

Jaune let out a big yawn and stretched. "All this girl talk is getting to me. Come on, Ren. Let's go talk about manly things, like banging chicks and war."

The two bros stood up and left. Weiss never took her eyes off her sneaky little partner. Ruby was treading on thin ice by trying to be her romantic rival. But if the girl couldn't handle the cold, she was just going to freeze. And Weiss was all out of friendship sweaters to give.

"You know, it's good to see you getting on with Jaune at last," Ruby smiled. "You used to hate his guts."

"I told you, that was a long time ago," she said evenly. "Now I really like his guts. His guts are admirable, as is the rest of him."

"I like penguins," special guest star ImSoAwesome said in the distance.

"That's great to hear," Ruby carried on. "Jaune's a great guy. It's just a shame he's single. Someone like him would really make a girl happy."

For once, they agreed on something. Weiss' eyes fluttered in delight. "Very happy indeed," she sighed in bliss. The promised time was almost upon her. It wouldn't be long until he was all hers.

"Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if someone snatches him up tomorrow. I mean, he's a good looking guy. It's anyone's game, really."

That sounded like a declaration of war to her. It was tragic that it had to come to this, but Ruby Rose was getting too curious for her own good. Curiosity killed the cat. Blake was proof of that, as the girl died trying to answer the age-old question: 'Is it possible to get superpowers by swimming in radiation?'

While everyone else listened to Yang's stupid jokes, Weiss plotted her next move. There were so many possibilities, but only one logical outcome. Ruby was too much of a threat alive. She had the looks, the personality, the voice. It all screamed 'cute', and if left unchecked, it could actually end up seducing Jaune.

She couldn't allow that to happen. Her father had always told her that if you love someone, never let them get away from you. Unfortunately, she didn't have any legal-binding contracts or handcuffs on her right now, so she had to improvise. The best way to fight evil was to cut off the head of the beast.

Ruby Rose had to die.

[/]

One mighty swipe to the head sent the Beowolf's head flying. Jaune stood tall and proud as he decapitated the foul beast. Weiss stood back and watched the whole thing with a hungry smile on her face. The sight of him slaying Grimm like that was like sweet nectar to her.

"Woohoo! That was Arc-mazing!" he cheered, shouting out his signature catchphrase.

Look at him. He was a fine specimen of manhood. He had the strength and power of a warrior in his prime, yet maintained a sense of elegance and serenity. He was like a swan, only with huge muscles and a six-pack.

Weiss appeared out of her hiding spot and slowly walked towards him, clapping as she got closer. "Well struck, Jaune. Your form was perfect. No Grimm stands a chance against you."

He blushed slightly at her praise. "Aww shucks, Weiss. That means a lot coming from a beautiful girl like you."

It was a cold day out in the woods, yet Weiss found herself getting hotter. In the old days, she would've buried him with the rest of his beloved ancestors for saying that. Now she wanted to gobble him up like he was the last apple crumpet at the picnic.

She accepted the compliment gracefully though, with a swish of her ponytail and a small giggle. "You flatter me. I only speak the truth-"

A high-pitched cry echoed in the distance. As much as her instincts demanded against it, they wouldn't be hunters if they didn't respond to the cries of the innocent. Even if the innocent sounded as annoying as that. She and Jaune ran towards the direction where the noise had come from.

What they found shocked them more than Hazel's idiotic reason for siding against Ozpin. Lying on the grass was Ruby, curled up in a fetal position. Her scythe was lying a good distance away from her. She was clutching her stomach and groaning. She seemed to be in great pain. No one else was around to help her. It was just Weiss and Jaune.

"Oh my God! Ruby, what happened?" Jaune cried, his protective side coming out. His concern made Weiss' heart flutter. He'd be great with kids.

Ruby's eyes fluttered open. "Weiss? Jaune?" she groaned. "Oh, thank goodness you came. There were Beowolves - loads of them! I managed to take them down, but one got me real bad. I think this might be it for me." She checked her pulse. "Yup, I'm definitely dying."

She coughed weakly and winced in pain. While Jaune was getting himself into a tizzy worrying about his friend, excitement stirred within Weiss. From how she was reacting, the wound was no doubt a fatal one. A swipe from a Beowolf's claw could easily split a boulder in half. If her aura was low, Ruby's midsection would be shredded. Without immediate treatment, she would surely die.

Fireworks of joy exploded inside her. This was perfect! This was far less complicated than her plan for disposing of Ruby, which involved a trail of cookies leading to a pit full of hungry tigers. Now she just had to let nature take care of the dirty work. Ruby would be dead, and she'd be free to lay her claim to Jaune. The timing of events was so perfect, it was like fate itself was on her side. And all it took was one dying friend. Worth it!

"Don't say that, Ruby," Jaune reassured the wilting Rose. "Just hold tight. I'll have you feeling better in no time."

He walked towards her with glowing hands. He was activating his semblance. His _healing_ semblance. Weiss' heart skipped a beat. It felt like she was watching a scene from a horror movie.

No! If he healed her, the little harpy would be free to sink her claws into Jaune again! Well, not if she had anything to say about it. All was fair in love and war, and both required sacrifices to be made. Before he could get closer, she threw herself in front of him, arms stretched out wide.

"No, wait! Don't touch her!" she cried. He could easily walk past if he wanted; her body was minuscule compared to his. But her sudden outburst had caught him off guard. He stopped in his tracks looking bewildered.

"Huh? Why not?" he asked her.

"Because… because…"

 _Because if you heal her, she'll be healthy enough to plough you like Oscar's wheat field!_ That was the answer she wanted to say, but it wouldn't be enough to convince him. He was too much of a bleeding heart, probably even more so than Ruby who's heart was bleeding all over the place right now. But her father wouldn't have chosen her to be his heir if she couldn't think on her feet. She had to come up with a different reason and fast.

"Because it's a bad idea!"

That was the first thing that came to her head. The execution was sloppy. He looked more confused than ever.

"Bad idea? Weiss, Ruby's dying here! How is it a bad idea to want to heal her?"

Curse him and his adorable inquisitiveness. "I just don't think we should be so hasty," she quickly said. "You shouldn't use your aura so sparingly. She might not even need healing. Just give it a moment. She'll be on her feet any second now."

As if on cue, Ruby started moaning and coughing. Her legs started to thrash too. Oh, good grief. Yeah, Weiss wanted her dead, but could she just cooperate with her for five seconds?

"Seriously, Weiss? There's no way she's just gonna walk this off. Move, I'm gonna heal her." He tried pushing past her but she stood her ground.

"Just hold on a second," she tried reasoning. "You don't know where she's been. You can't go around touching everyone who's dying. She could be riddled with AIDS and malaria for all you know. We can't have our only healer get infected!"

She was getting desperate with her reasons. It wasn't her fault. It was hard to think about anything when she was staring into his dreamy blue eyes. In truth, she didn't need to sound too convincing. She just had to keep him busy long enough for Ruby to die.

Jaune looked over her shoulder. "Hmm… I dunno, Weiss. She doesn't look very AIDS-y to me."

"You can't know that for certain. Behind those eyes could be all manners of disease. How can we fight Salem if we're all disgusting?"

He pondered it for a moment. "I guess?" he said. "But even if she is, I'll just flush it out of her system. I'm pretty much the cure for death. Now get outta the way."

Good Gods above, at this rate she would have to summon a knight to stop him. The only reason she didn't was to try and seem as reasonable as possible.

"No stop!" she shouted, putting her foot down. "There isn't enough time! The Grimm will be here any second now. Just look at her. Healing her will take too long. By the time you've finished, we'll all be eaten."

"I can see a light," Ruby mumbled. This was good news. She just had to stall him for a little while longer. Then the Grim Reaper could finally claim her. After she stopped drooling over his scythe that is.

"Okay, so just stand guard while I heal her," Jaune countered. "You're capable of fending off a bunch of Grimm by yourself."

Darn him. Since when did he get so good at arguing? He was now officially brains and brawn. Ruby had to hurry up and die so she could jump on him.

"Oooh, I'm afraid not. That last fight took up a lot of my energy. I don't know if I can even stand right now." To prove her point, she started limping and hobbling on the spot. "Oh look, there goes my leg," she groaned. "I can't protect anyone like this. We better get out of here."

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Ugh, fine. We'll bring Ruby back to the house and I'll heal you and her there." He went to go over to her again. No, no, no, she was so close! She couldn't give up now! She threw herself at his feet before he could get close.

"No, wait, you can't!" she protested, clinging to his leg like Zwei when he was feeling frisky.

"What is it now!?" he cried.

This was it. Jaune was losing his temper now. Whatever she said next had to be the argument to convince him to abandon Ruby. She thought back to all her lessons in lying she had with her father. If you wanted to win someone over to your side, sometimes you had to lie. She had been surrounded by liars all her life, and as such, she had learned their ways.

Her brain rattled in her head as she tried formulating an argument. There had to be something she could say to stop him. Then it hit her. With her destiny resting on this one last argument, she spoke.

"Listen, Jaune, just hear me out for a moment," she said slowly. "Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, Ruby _wants_ to die?"

Jaune's eyes widened. "What?"

"Think about it. She possesses silver eyes - a powerful weapon to be used against the Grimm. They could potentially help us win every battle we have against them. She has this incredibly powerful tool at her disposal, and yet she hasn't asked anyone how they work. Ozpin has all the knowledge in the universe, but she still hasn't asked him about them. Now why do you think that is?"

"I… uh…"

He was at a loss for words. Weiss was grinning internally. She finally had him. Time for the final nail in the coffin.

"It's because she's doing it on purpose," she said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "She doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to fight anymore. Secretly, I think she wants the Grimm to kill her. Why else would she not ask how the ultimate Grimm-killing weapon works?"

She could see the information being processed in that brilliant yet naive head of his. "I… I never really thought of it like that before." He looked at Ruby, who was becoming more still. "Is it true, Ruby? Do you wanna die?" he asked her.

A groan of pain was the only response he got.

"That sounded like a yes to me," Weiss smiled. "Trust me, I'm her partner. I can tell. I think we should honour her wishes Jaune and allow her to die."

He didn't look happy with the revelation, but he seemed to be accepting it. That was good enough for her. Weiss could punch the air with happiness right now. She silently thanked her father for all those lying lessons. That was the second nicest thing he had ever done for her. The first was disowning her.

"Well, if you say so," Jaune said solemnly. He looked over at Ruby with a forlorn expression. "Rest in peace, Ruby," he called over to her. "You were a great travel partner, and you're not as flat as what people think. I'm gonna miss you."

Ruby groaned. She was doing that a lot lately.

"Yes, yes, it's very sad," Weiss said, trying to hurry things along. "Now let's get out of here. My leg hurts and I need you to put your hands on it. Might as well do the other one while you're at it."

They started to walk away and Weiss began dreaming of the future. Happy endings didn't just appear like they did in fairy tales. You had to work for them. Weiss had seized hers with her own two hands, and now she was on the road to paradise. She couldn't wait to start her family with Jaune. It would be way better and blonder than the one she was currently a part of.

What was a good name for a son? Vladimus? Garadex? Or maybe he'd want a daughter? Having seven sisters, he was probably more used to dealing with girls. Well, whatever he wanted, she'd give it to him. The baby-making factory was open and ready for business!

"Wait," Ruby weakly called out to them. "Before I die, I wanna say a few last words to Weiss."

Weiss gritted her teeth together. This wasn't some war film where the brave soldier gives a heartfelt speech that gets nominated at the academy. And what last words could Ruby Rose possibly leave for this world? From how her cape and leggings looked when they reunited, she didn't even know how to buy new clothes. The girl was just getting in the way of things.

Jaune gave her a mournful look. "You should go talk to her," he said, oblivious to the frustration boiling inside her.

Fine then. She would go talk to her if that's what she wanted. But this was a waste of her time. She certainly wouldn't be the one burying her after this. She stomped over to Ruby's festering body and kneeled down. Jaune walked further way to give them some private time.

"What is it?" Weiss sighed, not even trying to hide her annoyance. This had better be worth it. If she coughed blood over her nice dress, she'd kill her herself.

Ruby looked up at her with a knowing smile. There was softness in those silver eyes of hers. "Weiss, I know what you're doing here," she said. "You want me to die so that you can be with Jaune. You don't have to lie, Qrow tried doing the same thing to my dad so he could get with my mom. I'm sorry if you thought I was a threat to you, but I promise this wasn't true. I had no intention of getting in between you and Jaune. In fact, I support you for pursuing your hearts desires."

Weiss' breath caught in her throat. Guilt crushed her like… um, someone sitting on her? Good God, she felt so guilty that she couldn't even form a proper simile! She was a monster. Her best friend was about to die all because she felt threatened by her. Was this what love did to people? No wonder her parents' marriage went to shambles.

"Oh my gosh, Ruby I'm so sor-" she began, when Ruby cut her off by placing a finger on her lips. Even when writhing in pain, she continued to smile.

"It's okay, Weiss. I'm happy for you. Jaune's a great guy and you're a great person. You two deserve to be happy. I'd be a bad leader and friend if I ruined things for you both. So if I have to die so that you can live happily, then it's worth it. I'm going to my grave with no regrets."

Ruby Rose truly was a modern day hero. Willing to die for the sake of other people's happiness. It was this kind of selflessness that inspired people to become hunters, herself included. She was blessed to have known such a wonderful person. For the first time since that time she didn't get that pony she wanted for her birthday, Weiss was getting emotional.

What on earth was she thinking? Ruby wasn't going to die today! Whatever injury she had, Jaune would heal. Together they would solve their differences like rational human beings. She hated herself for wanting this in the first place. When this was over, she owed her a grovelling apology.

"Don't worry, Ruby," Weiss reassured her. "I'll get Jaune. He'll be able to heal you-"

She got no further. A searing pain burned in her stomach like an aftermath from Yang's cooking. When she looked down, she saw Myrtenaster buried inside her-

-with Ruby's hand on the hilt!

"Wha-? But… Ruby…" As her mind tried to make sense of everything, her eyes landed on Ruby's body. She didn't have a scratch on her! She was perfectly fine!

Ruby was smiling again, only this time it was an evil smile. "Tee hee hee. This was my plan all along, Weiss," she giggled. "I had to get you to lower your guard so that I could kill you. Now Jaune is all mine." She leaned up closer to her ear. "I told you someone would snatch him up tomorrow. Say hi to Pyrrha for me. Oh, and Penny too. Do robots go to heaven? Guess you're about to find out."

She yanked the rapier out of her and pushed her aside. Weiss hit the grass with a thud. Her body, powerless and quickly losing energy, could do nothing to stop Ruby getting up off the grass and walking away. For the longest time, Weiss thought there was nothing worse than getting backstabbed. Turns out getting frontstabbed was just as bad, perhaps even worse because it wasn't just in a metaphorical sense this time.

Ruby Rose… to think she had actually been worried about her going to Atlas. She had underestimated her. With that level of trickery and deceit, she'd blend right in amongst the aristotwats. Her father would probably end up making her the heir to the SDC. That deceptive harlot. First she stole her man and now her company! Yes, Atlas would suit her well…

And thus, the Ice Queen melted. Cause she bled to death.

[/]

Jaune looked stoically at the sky thinking of all the good times he had with Ruby. He probably had loads, but he could only remember about three. He was always forgetting things. At least it made the mourning process a little easier. It was hard to miss someone when one of your main memories of them consisted of them playing frisbee with your shield.

But still, he let loose a single tear that rolled slowly down his eye. He was getting good at practising the sexy technique of crying. He was hoping it would make him look poetic and tragic. The ladies loved a sensitive guy, but there had to be a style to it. The last time he tried impressing a girl by crying, he bawled all over her nice clothes and she started crying too. There was a lot of crying that day. Not a lot of kissing though sadly.

"In another life, Ruby," he whispered. "In another life...

"Hey, Jaune."

Ruby's perky voice surprised him. He turned around and there she was, standing behind him with a cheerful smile on her face like nothing was wrong. She was back to tip-top shape.

"Ruby?" He couldn't believe it was her. "I thought you were dying?"

"Nah, I just used my silver eyes to fix me. I'm feeling alright now, but I've got some bad news."

She stood aside and Jaune was horrified by what he saw. It was Weiss, except she was dead now! She wasn't just an ex-heiress now, she was an ex-person! She was deceased! DeSchneesed!

"Oh my God, Weiss! How did she die?" He noticed a small hole in her stomach, like she had been stabbed by a thin blade. He also saw Ruby holding Myrtenaster in her hand. Blood was dripping from the tip...

"Diabetes," Ruby said.

Jaune took another look at the body. Oh yeah, that made sense actually. Weiss had been packing on a few pounds lately. It was only natural it would eventually catch up to her. Poor Weiss. Fat, chubby, dead Weiss.

"Weiss…" he whispered. Another tear rolled down his face, although it was coming out of his other eye now, so it was no longer sexy. Now he was just plain old crying. He really needed to work on his crying game. If he was still alive, he'd ask Cardin to bully him again so he could get some practice.

Ruby put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Come on. Let's mourn her by going back to the house and having sex. It's what she would've wanted."

"Really?"

"No, but it sure as shit what I want. Let's go."

And they lived happily ever after. Until Salem showed up. Then they didn't.

* * *

 **That'll teach you to ask me for free things, you dirty communists!**


End file.
